You start to feel tired and think, oh, this is just from stress, or I have been busy lately, but I’ll get some rest in a few days when things calm down. I just have to get through … then I can settle down a little. But the tiredness grows and nags at you. Then you feel a little pain or discomfort somewhere and try to explain it away. Oh that is pain lingering on from an injury I had long ago, rearing its ugly head again. Take some pain killers and keep on, don’t let it slow you down. Maybe you start to have fevers. It’s probably just my allergies, you tell yourself, or a virus, it will pass. Maybe you go to the doctor and he agrees, just allergies, checks your blood counts and they are fine. Nothing to worry about. You think you are simply being paranoid.
But the fatigue lingers, maybe a little irritability too. Months pass. Then changes start to happen to your body that can’t be ignored any longer. Your mind says this isn’t right, but you still argue with yourself. It is nothing, in a few days you will feel better. But in a few days you do not feel better, you are getting worse. And then you just know: something is wrong.
You take stock of your symptoms. They have added up. You call the doctor. He wants to see you that day. You give him the list. When he sees you he has that look on his face, why didn’t you come in sooner? He examines and leaves the room. Bad sign. When he comes back in he has a plan, more tests. Then you know. You were not being paranoid. And the tests start…
Isaiah 65:24: “Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear.”
God knows. Before the prayer leaves your lips, before the thought formulates inside your mind. He knows. He has prepared for this day though it feels like a quick attack from out of the blue. He knows. He knows your prayer before it leaves your lips. He knows your thoughts and deepest anguish. He knew this day would come and He is not hiding. He whispers in your ear, trust. Trust me. Trust me. I am here. I know your fears, your heart. I have not left. I will not leave. I am here.
Devotion One: "Cancer" excerpted from: The Bald Headed, Tattooed, Motorcycle Mama’s Devotional Guide: For Women Battling Cancer and Those Who Love Them. Copyright © 2013 by Sara Nelson O’Brien